Why is it that late at night when I am alone, I end up feeling very lonely. Isn’t it enough that I have an amazing daughter? Or that I have some of the most marvelous people in my life? Apparently not, because I just ache for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be courted and cherished and loved. I want to cherish and love someone back. I want to have the ups and downs of everyday life visit our home and find themselves worked out. I want to have a partner in crime and plan crazy excursions to everywhere and nowhere. I want to cook a nice dinner for more than two on a regular basis. I want to come home to the prospect of adult conversation. I want to be myself with someone else. I want to have philosophical conversation at two in the morning. I want more than this…. I have a secret crush on someone. He is funny and sarcastic and smart. He is caring and introspective and well-read. He is handsome and charming and a Christian. He is also completly unaware of my crush or even that I think about him. I really don’t know him well. I read his blog and know some of his friends. I have spent some time with him at functions and always end up wanting to spend more time with him. In my youth, I simply would have aksed him out for coffee or something. Now, later in life, I find my confidence gone. I worry about “how owuld it look if I asked him out?”. I worry that I might not be the “right sort” or if I’m damaged goods. See, there’s my damage right there. I worry. About everything. How much freedom there would be if I could just let him know I’m interested in getting to know him better. I’m getting really tired of feeling caged by my anxieties. Who knows…I’m another year older, am I wiser? Wish me luck, I think I’m gonna jump back in the pool…..
