Ok…I’m sitting here in my little kitchen/dining room and getting ready to respond to some very kind words I had last night and I realized that the post below, never got published on the blog. I re-read it and it blew me away. I am so lucky to have those little moments of clarity within which I can actually let the chaff fall away and get to the kernel of truth God has allowed me to glimpse. In that moment, I become close to my source and it takes my breath away. Now, on to the task at hand: my current GREAT BIG THOUGHT process….Vocation, call and Luther’s thoughts on such. I seem to have been lucky enough to have been put in an environment where many of us are thinking and struggling with what we are supposed to be doing. Work is necessary, but so many of us seem to have a difficult time with what that’s supposed to look like. Then there is the whole deal about “what am I being called to do for the Kingdom?”. I have been praying and talking through this for the better part of the last year with my house church. Needless to say, we are open to the Spirit, but we’re not sure about the answers. I mean, just in our little fellowship/family, we have so many beautiful souls who desire to do nothing more than serve. But when the opportunities don’t come, it gets harder and harder to trust in the Lord for the providence to live our lives. Just to pay the basic bills and all that jazz. I can’t speak for everyone, but I can share some of my own struggles. I am so fortunate to have a job which could become a career. The EVIL CORPORATE GIANT (TM) I work for has been good to me. I make enough to support myself and my daughter. I try to live within my harvest and to save for the future. The only problem is that I feel like I am betraying the gifts I’ve been given by using them in the job I am in. I feel like I’ve taken the safe and easy road to total discernment. When I was younger, I went through a short period of working through my gifts and how to best use them with a Pastor. He is someone I absolutely trust and admire. We sorta came to the same conclusion: that I had been given spiritual gifts which lent themselves to eventual ordination and the ministry of the Pastorate. Then the floor came out from underneath me…. I took the road which led to the dark end of the street. Without giving you all of the gory details, I now find myself in shame and doubt over some of the circumstances of who I am today. I am repentant. I have turned from those sins asked for forgiveness and am constantly affirmed in my decision to return to the light. But I struggle with accepting the forgiveness. I struggle with the thought that I am so broken that I am no longer fit to serve. This is where my real struggle begins. I am aware of what I am able to do. I have been given the ability to speak and teach and do so many of the things a leader should do. I am a fabulous administrator. I can cheerfully serve others. I still feel called to be doing those things. I’m just not convinced I should. I mean, how can I stand up and say to others that this is what scripture and the Spirit tell us to do, when the evidence of my sin is so visible? How can I help to guide people, when my journey strayed so far off the path? Recently a mentor-figure challenged me to think a little differently about this. He said that maybe the things I have done have helped to make me just the sort of person God could use in this arena of ministry. I don’t know if I can accept that yet or ever, but it’s got me thinking and reading and praying. Lots. Luther’s idea of vocation brought the work of the Kingdom to the people, not just the priests and monastics. He said that even a milkmaid could milk cows to the Glory of God. Much of what he says boils down to the idea that we are all gifted differently and called to use those gifts in his service in many arenas in our everyday life. Yes, there is still the idea of the priesthood in that there is still the function of the pastor, but he really brings into light the priesthood of all believers. The congregation of the ELCA I grew up in has this on it’s bulletin every week: Ministers: the whole congreagation. Then it lists the Pastoral staff. Just this one simple line on a piece of paper never fails to move me when I get to worship there. It is a weekly reminder and admonition to the congregation that we’re all called to use what we have been given. By confessing our Faith, we accept His call to acknowledge that we belong to God and by His command we must move what we confess out into the wide world to minister to his children, our brothers and sisters. Heavy, heady stuff. So how does this all gel? How do I get to the answers I am looking for? I pray. I read. I look to others who have travelled this road much longer than I. I step out in faith with this community to serve our neighbors here in West Norwood. I share joy and stress and all the things which come with living. I look for signs and take unmarked roads. I continue, even when the path is unclear. I give thanks. I praise His name. I wait upon the Lord. Amen. Come Lord Jesus.
