Confessions of a Makeup Aholic

Ok…I’m sitting here in my little kitchen/dining room and getting ready to respond to some very kind words I had last night and I realized that the post below, never got published on the blog.  I re-read it and it blew me away.  I am so lucky to have those little moments of clarity within which I can actually let the chaff fall away and get to the kernel of truth God has allowed me to glimpse.  In that moment, I become close to my source and it takes my breath away. Now, on to the task at hand:  my current GREAT BIG THOUGHT process….Vocation, call and Luther’s thoughts on such.  I seem to have been lucky enough to have been put in an environment where many of us are thinking and struggling with what we are supposed to be doing.  Work is necessary, but so many of us seem to have a difficult time with what that’s supposed to look like.  Then there is the whole deal about “what am I being called to do for the Kingdom?”.  I have been praying and talking through this for the better part of the last year with my house church. Needless to say, we are open to the Spirit, but we’re not sure about the answers.  I mean, just in our little fellowship/family, we have so many beautiful souls who desire to do nothing more than serve.  But when the opportunities don’t come, it gets harder and harder to trust in the Lord for the providence to live our lives.  Just to pay the basic bills and all that jazz.  I can’t speak for everyone, but I can share some of my own struggles. I am so fortunate to have a job which could become a career.  The EVIL CORPORATE GIANT (TM) I work for has been good to me.  I make enough to support myself and my daughter.  I try to live within my harvest and to save for the future.  The only problem is that I feel like I am betraying the gifts I’ve been given by using them in the job I am in.  I feel like I’ve taken the safe and easy road to total discernment.  When I was  younger, I went through a short period of working through my gifts and how to best use them with a Pastor.  He is someone I absolutely trust and admire.  We sorta came to the same conclusion: that I had been given spiritual gifts which lent themselves to eventual ordination and the ministry of the Pastorate.  Then the floor came out from underneath me…. I took the road which led to the dark end of the street.  Without giving you all of the gory details, I now find myself in shame and doubt over some of the circumstances of who I am today.  I am repentant.  I have turned from those sins asked for forgiveness and am constantly affirmed in my decision to return to the light.  But I struggle with accepting the forgiveness.  I struggle with the thought that I am so broken that I am no longer fit to serve.  This is where my real struggle begins.  I am aware of what I am able to do.  I have been given the ability to speak and teach and do so many of the things a leader should do.  I am a fabulous administrator.  I can cheerfully serve others.  I still feel called to be doing those things.  I’m just not convinced I should. I mean, how can I stand up and say to others that this is what scripture and the Spirit tell us to do, when the evidence of my sin is so visible?  How can I help to guide people, when my journey strayed so far off the path?  Recently a mentor-figure challenged me to think a little differently about this.   He said that maybe the things I have done have helped to make me just the sort of person God could use in this arena of ministry.  I don’t know if I can accept that yet or ever, but it’s got me thinking and reading and praying.  Lots.  Luther’s idea of vocation brought the work of the Kingdom to the people, not just the priests and monastics.  He said that even a milkmaid could milk cows to the Glory of God.  Much of what he says boils down to the idea that we are all gifted differently and called to use those gifts in his service in many arenas in our everyday life.  Yes, there is still the idea of the priesthood in that there is still the function of the pastor, but he really brings into light the priesthood of all believers.  The congregation of the ELCA I grew up in has this on it’s bulletin every week:  Ministers: the whole congreagation.  Then it lists the Pastoral staff.  Just this one simple line on a piece of paper never fails to move me when I get to worship there.  It is a weekly reminder and admonition to the congregation that we’re all called to use what we have been given.  By confessing our Faith, we accept His  call to acknowledge that we belong to God and by His command we must move what we confess out into the wide world to minister to his children, our brothers and sisters.  Heavy, heady stuff. So how does this all gel?  How do I get to the answers I am looking for?  I pray.  I read.  I look to others who have travelled this road much longer than I.  I step out in faith with this community to serve our neighbors here in West Norwood.  I share joy and stress and all the things which come with living.  I look for signs and take unmarked roads.  I continue, even when the path is unclear.  I give thanks.  I praise His name.  I wait upon the Lord. Amen. Come Lord Jesus.  

Last night we met as a community to worship and pray and discern what the Father wants us to be/do/become….What a gathering. Wow, I tell you what, wow. I come from a mainline church background (Lutheran of the ELCA variety, just in case you wondered). The idea of corporate prayer usually came in the form of the liturgy. We just didn’t pray the way I’ve experienced prayer here in VC. I think we just said the words because we were expected to say them. I’m not sure we all really meant what we said or understood it for that matter. Prayer was not as personal or as real to me then. I didn’t embrace the idea that we can and should communicate with Jesus in a conversational way. I don’t think I ever prayed with the expectation that there would or could be an answer. Maybe when I was out on my own for the first time and would find myself in really dodgy situations I would whip out the Annie LaMott “Help me, Help me, Help me”. Or I would play Let’s Make a Deal with God. You know, “If You get me out of this, I’ll…..fill in the blank”. But I never sat in the presence of God and lifted my voice to be heard. Just me, just Julie speaking to her Abba.   I’ve been blessed in so many ways since finding my way here. So many that it would take days and days to blog. I just want to write about prayer tonight. The other stuff we’ll get to later. Prayer is on my mind tonight.   One of the things I’ve learned about prayer is that it’s not nearly as awkward as I thought. Even though I don’t see myself as a great prayer warrior, I have been able to open myself to the Spirit more fully. It used to be that I would worry during prayer time that I wouldn’t have the “right” words for someone or some situation. I would spend the time others were speaking running through what I would speak at the next pause. Always thinking it had to be big and intelligent and full of ripe meaning and perfect. That got me nowhere. I would miss the opportunity to pray with my group and affirm the words they had from the Spirit. I would completely miss the point of praying. I didn’t want to seem un-Christian or whatever. But I was BEING un-Christian. He doesn’t want anything but “our souls” as Bonhoeffer puts it. He wants our honest hearts not some construct or mask we put on to look pious. That was a hard lesson in humility for me. I have such fear of being little and unimportant that I would puff up in the worst possible way. I am so grateful for the chance to be an ass in safe environment and to learn this lesson with this new family growing inside and around me.   Another thing I have learned is to be less skeptical of the prophetic. Years ago, I scoffed at the idea of God speaking through us in this modern world. In my view, that went out at Pentecost. I think I have a better understanding of the leading of the Spirit now. I truly believe we can and do receive wisdom from the Father in this day and in this place. As the need for orthopraxy (sp?)leaves me, I am less and less a Thomas. I’m still not sure where I fall on tongues and other manifestations, but prophetic words ring true for me now.   So last night there we were. So diverse, yet so much of a tribe. We gathered and sang and worshipped and prayed for guidance. It moved me. You all move me. I love you , brothers and sisters and I thank you for allowing the Spirit to move through you. I love your courage and faith. I love your spots and warts. I am so looking forward to the next step in our journey together. 

So last night I had one of the first “girls night out” excursions I’ve had in a long time courtesy of the lovely young ladies of the Convent.  Dessert, coffee and a chick flick….So relaxing and wonderful.  I don’t think they, or anyone else for that matter, really know how hard it is for me to let go and just enjoy the moment.  The three of them were so gracious and easy to be around.  So if they are reading: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!  Oh ,and also, I was serenaded via cell phone for the first time EVER…MRS RAINS, YOU ROCK!!  I received flowers and a gift card for books from other wonderful people in my life.  I was ready to cry. It’s humbling and affirming to be remembered on your birthday and I thank you all.  I am still seeing the Spirit move in my life on a daily basis.  I hope that never ends!  

My best friend and I have struggled over an idea we have from scripture. She and I are both divorced. She is remarried. I had an abysmally bad non-marriage relationship. We are currently having an open dialogue about what scripture says on marriage after divorce. We are both very confused. Let me put it all out here and if there are thoughts, they would be helpful and appreciated. We have both come from church backgrounds where divorce and remarriage seemed to be non-issues for our congregations. Heck, my home church even called a divorced/remarried pastor at one point. The point is we both grew up seeing it and understanding it as “OK”. Not necessarily the best idea, but not excluded by our faith communities. And here’s one more thing to know about that: she is Southern Baptist and I grew up in a liberal Lutheran congregation. In the South, that’s a big difference. She started this whole conversation when things started to get really rough in her second marriage. She had dated this man when we were all in high school and college. They reconnected romantically about three years after her divorce. Understand that they had maintained a friendship through the years. We have a very close-knit tribe of about 15 of us from our teen years. Distance doesn’t matter very much and we are still all pretty close. I guess I’m saying this to explain that she and he had a baseline friendship upon which to build a marriage. They dated for about a year and then he proposed. We had a great time getting ready for the wedding. They went through a very detailed counseling process at her home church with a pastor they both knew and respected. He spent lots of time building a healthy relationship with her 5 year old daughter. He even got to know her ex-husband to a degree, thinking it could ease any parental jealousies which might arise. I felt like they were really doing it right, to ensure the health and longevity of the marriage. Things were great for about 5 years. Then it started to fall apart. Things they had discussed, personality traits they had agreed to disagree upon, became sources of conflict. They had another daughter. The real-child vs step-child thing arose. They started to drift apart. They became confrontational and even counseling didn’t work. They separated for a time. I won’t go into all of the details here but it got bad. They have come back together now and some healing has happened. The thing is that my friend is now wondering if all of the work they did in the beginning was pointless because scripture prohibits remarriage after a divorce. My story is a little different. I got married to a non-believing alcoholic. We left the country and lived in a crazy military community where infidelity was the norm. I was going through some big rebellion against any institutionalized thinking from my youth. I was also suppressing my self-doubt and inferiority. Put those things in a blender and mix well. The marriage broke up and we both moved on. There were no children. I didn’t move so far. I went looking for a relationship to prove that I wasn’t a failure. And boy, did I look. All the wrong places and then some. I let myself be abused. I mad some horrendous choices. I had a child outside of marriage. Most of the stuff that prohibited me from forming a healthy relationship stemmed from bad choices I made. Willful disobedience. But now, 5 years later, I would like to explore the possibility of a husband. A Christian husband. I find it very difficult to even begin because all of the lessons I learned indicate that when I make choices in men, they are based on non-ideal behaviors. So I do nothing and get engaged in living my life. Raising my daughter. Growing within my faith community. But God isn’t answering this prayer of mine. So I get restless and impatient. And then I begin to wonder if there is no answer because that’s the answer: No. My friend and I look to scripture for help in our frustration: Mal 2:16, Dut 24:1-4, Matt 19:9, 19:9, 5:32, ICor 7:15, 7:32-35, Eph 4:32…The list is actually much longer. We are both wondering if our troubles stem from the fact that remarriage shouldn’t be an option for either of us. Or is it really the enemy trying to help us into making the same bad decisions with the new relationships and therefore sowing discord in the world. Neither of us know, nor do we feel comforted by the Word. We both pray for wisdom and understanding. But in the meantime we are so confused. She feels burdened and I feel lonely and we try to comfort one another. I feel guilty and selfish for the time I put into worrying over my loneliness. I pray for peace and understanding. I pray for the burden to be lifted off my heart. We do realize though, that there is a gift in this for both of us. We are together in it. Maybe one of you out there has a Word for us. Maybe you could lift us up in prayer. Maybe our answers will become clear. Whatever the case, we cling to our friendship and our Faith.

Yep, it’s officially official. I work for the EVIL CORPORATE GIANT. I know I’ve said it before, but I am here to tell ya folks, they got me today. As some you know, I accepted a new position within said EVIL CORPORATE GIANT (TM). I thought I was doing the “right thing” in that I gave the lesser demon to whom I report the heads up about 3 months ago when I was considering a position offered in our Tennessee affiliate. I figured that I would just let it hang that I was ready to move on to new challenges in a different level, maybe somewhere close to Purgatory??? I really thought that was considerate, considering I am the highest skill level/most seniority on my team. They could be looking for someone to develop into my role as team leader. I mean, that’s what I would do were I the one wearing the horns, as it were. (See how cute I am with the demon theme….)Anyway, I digress. Did they do that? No. Of course not. They wait until after I accept another job here in the city to even start to think about what they will do without me. I signed the offer letter on May 21. Today, June 2, is the first time I got any kind of communication about a transition date. And what do they say? Two weeks, like any normal establishment, nooooooo. I get the pleasure of split shifts inbetween downtown and the Kenwood area. From June 14 through July 5. Then I finally get to be at my new job full time. This will make about 6 weeks from the date I signed the stupid letter. Kinda make me wonder if being an underachievers might have served me better. I am bitter about this. Oh yes I am. I have worked for this bunch since 1999, with a short hiatus to the Carolinas. I have a work ethic in me from my family that makes me an easy target here. They pride themselves on squeezing the most out of a penny in overhead they can so they can report “record earnings” to the shareholders every quarter. For heaven’s sake it’s not even an industry I’m passionate about. Why do I stay? I guess it’s for the paycheck and the insurance. I guess it’s to tell myself that at least one person in the investment house really cares about how we take care of peoples’ money. I guess it’s ‘coz I ‘m plum stupid to tell the truth. I suppose I’ll feel better in the morning, but right now, I’m just mad as hell.

Happy New Year…yeah, right. I am officially a failure. I am leaving Durham to go back to Cincinnati next weekend. I just couldn’t hold everything together financially and am running back to the shelter and relative safety of an evil corporation. Yikes!!! What it all comes down to in the end is that I don’t seem to have a grasp on what it takes to be a grown-up. So, I’ve decided to give up trying to be one. I am who and what I am and even though Madonna seems to be able reinvent herself every year or so, I don’t have the Knack, Sharona. School and a degree are still on the table for Fall 2003. My daughter is still showing signs of being worse for the wear from this past year’s drama. I am still trying to love her out of it and will hope for the best. My hot flirtation with my old boyfriend, who will be called flyboy from here on out, is on hiatus for the moment courtesy of George W. Bush. Flyboy is currently leaving for the nameless back of beyond we know as the “potential hot spot”. Godspeed and good luck. I did however meet, in a manner of speaking, a psycho-in-training online. Yes, I was smart and kept my distance, but man, I’m telling you, desparation is simply not attractive…This guy turned from casual friend to possible cyber-stalker in the course of one evening. Anyway, no more of that for me. I’d rather be isolated from the opposite sex forever than go through that again……Again, I’m issueing the “kick my ass and make me post” challenge to anyone out there. I don’t belive anyone ever reads this, so shift my paradigm and e-mail me.

Wow….Nothing since July. I have truly become a person without much to say. No one who knew me growing up would have ever thought that. But I guess the point is that I am afraid that I have become too unhip or too stupid to say anything anyone would want to read. Then I think about my life and realize I need to say something. If nothing else, my views could be read as a cautionary tale for young women. I guess a little update would be in order for those of you who are interested……I’m still in Durham. I’m even more financially strapped than ever. I did get promoted to management with the bookstore, but have had to step down. My daughter’s father left town suddenly in October. He had lost another job and ran home to Cincinnati. He wasn’t contributing financially to our daughter’s upkeep, but he was watching her at night and on weekends when I was working. When he left, that fell apart and I had to step down. So now I’m back to part-time bookselling and looking for work in an environment with 7%-8% unemployment. With no degree…..I’m trying, with help from my church and my parents, to hang on until Fall 2003, when I hope to be going back to finish school. I realize I’ve said this before, but I’ll really be there this time. Wish me luck….. As to the other things in my life….I’ve found comfort and renewal in returning to organized religion. Those of you who are familiar with my beliefs will be a little surprised. I can only say that I know I am now where I belong. I find strength in the community and in the individual growth I have begun. My daughter is happy there, too. I hope to give her the solid base for spiritual exploration I was given by my parents. I am growing in my parenting skills. The peanut is showing signs of being effected by the drama of the last year. I am working with the staff at her pre-school and the church to help her be comforted and happy. I am trying to help her express her feelings and understand that she can rely on mommy to help her and love her no matter what comes. There is great reward in being a mommy. I relish it in a way I never thought possible. I have re-entered the dating arena in a small way. I am looking for companionship and conversation via my computer. Now, before you start to worry, I am being the most cautious girl you could imagine and have no intention of becoming a statistic. I have reconnected with an old flame from high school and am enjoying a hot flirtation with him. I am not ready to challeng the rest of the boys with my charm and wit right now. He is familiar and fun and oh so creative with this medium. More on that another time. I would encourage anyone out there to e-mail me and kick my ass about the discipline I need to show with my blog. Who knows, I might actually do it this time. They say third time’s a charm……

Why is it that late at night when I am alone, I end up feeling very lonely. Isn’t it enough that I have an amazing daughter? Or that I have some of the most marvelous people in my life? Apparently not, because I just ache for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be courted and cherished and loved. I want to cherish and love someone back. I want to have the ups and downs of everyday life visit our home and find themselves worked out. I want to have a partner in crime and plan crazy excursions to everywhere and nowhere. I want to cook a nice dinner for more than two on a regular basis. I want to come home to the prospect of adult conversation. I want to be myself with someone else. I want to have philosophical conversation at two in the morning. I want more than this…. I have a secret crush on someone. He is funny and sarcastic and smart. He is caring and introspective and well-read. He is handsome and charming and a Christian. He is also completly unaware of my crush or even that I think about him. I really don’t know him well. I read his blog and know some of his friends. I have spent some time with him at functions and always end up wanting to spend more time with him. In my youth, I simply would have aksed him out for coffee or something. Now, later in life, I find my confidence gone. I worry about “how owuld it look if I asked him out?”. I worry that I might not be the “right sort” or if I’m damaged goods. See, there’s my damage right there. I worry. About everything. How much freedom there would be if I could just let him know I’m interested in getting to know him better. I’m getting really tired of feeling caged by my anxieties. Who knows…I’m another year older, am I wiser? Wish me luck, I think I’m gonna jump back in the pool…..

Well, I goofed.  I really thought I’d have something to say to the world.  I didn’t, but now I do.  I have travelled an incredibly bad patch of road this past year.  The only thing I have left is a sense that the world is generous, both with crap and with amazingly enriching relationships.  I am now ( really and truly for those who’ve heard this before) a single mom on the skids.  I am living by the skin of my teeth and the charity of strangers in Durham, NC.  I am back in the book business, working part time for a chain store.  I love the books and the people who read them, but am not sure I still support the company’s manifesto.  More on that another time….  I’m not sure where I need to go from here.  I have followed others’ trials via blog and have gained some insight as to where I need to take my life.  I just feel so un-capable and so isolated right now.  Perhaps I can use this medium to make some connections or at least find a concrete way to solve my own problems.

Good Morning all. I have finally got my act together and will now attempt to post at least twice a week. Thanks to Bela for giving me the inspiration to actually share the inside of my head with the rest of the world. I am not an accomplished writer, nor am I even remotely hip. I am a strange and obtuse girl, living in a foreign culture. This post is actually a trial run, so look for something more substantial very soon.

Here’s my First blog

OMG! I was inaugurated to the field of blogging by Antonio. I reckon it’s good but will have to fine-tune the margins and titles a bit… Perhaps I will find time this week to sort things out. I guess I’ll start now.

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